Symptoms
A classic roadie checklist
Shaved legs, miniature sunglasses, suspiciously expensive socks, meticulous bottle coordination, and a sentence beginning with: ‘To be fair, the headwind completely changed the numbers.’
Roasts
About the roast
Written by
muddy witnesses
This is not a serious cycling guide. It is an affectionate, well-dressed roast of road-cycling habits: carbon anxiety, espresso loyalty, obsessive grooming and the gentle panic that appears when a corner asks for commitment.
Read the manifestoManifesto
Why this site exists
Because roadies are impossible not to narrate. Their bikes shine like surgical instruments, their wardrobes are curated with suspicious care, and a ride burning 2,000 calories still somehow culminates in pastry, cappuccino and a 14-photo debrief.
House rules
Roast tenderly
This project mocks archetypes, not individuals. Many riders do both road and MTB. The target is the lovingly recognisable culture: aero certainty, Strava litigation, boutique socks and the emotional significance of café quality.
Corner policy
Brake with conviction, complain with elegance
When the turn tightens, the modern roadie protocol is simple: feather both brakes, widen the eyes, preserve the line, and later explain that the paint, wind and tyre pressure combined to create a very technical situation.
Café ethics
Respect the coffee stop
Never underestimate the true destination of a road ride. The café is not an interruption; it is the emotional headquarters of the whole discipline.